hiii hiiii heyyyyy starting off this blog by shouting out my two beautiful husbands!!

HERE IS PROOF:

annnddddd.....
yes we are in love do not question the age gap or the fact that bubba is a cannibal and reg is an incel WE LOVE EACHOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ummmmmmmm since i am already here i see no point in not discussing other stuff! SO!!!! AHEM!!!!!
point 1 of my first blog: to share what being alterkin means to me!!

to me,.... being a robot and slash or computer is both a mental connection and a physical longing. I am already so very close to mentally being a robot that i see no point in denying it!! but physically i am SOOOOOO far away. i do get "gender envy" from computers (such as the one i have used as my "profile picture" for this "blog post") and feeeel a veeerryyyyyy deep connection to them physically. i know I am not one, and i probably never will be one fully, but i do think i was meant to be born a robot. i can feel it i n my stupid human/not-so-human bones. I *WILL* do what it takes to make me feel comfortble in my own body, no matter how society disapproves. I am unsure if this is the most solid thing in my mind, but it does feel rooted in truth, so I will choose to believe it, and therefore, myself in the process. It is a very stupid predicament because it is not something I can really talk about with anyone. No one "normal" really understands my longing and discormfort. People might say it is just because I am uncomfortable in my own skin, which may be part of it, but I do believe this is who I am. I always have loved and connected to robots, wanting to be one, admiring them, even holding them to "sentient" standards. I hope others understand.

thanks for reading,
HAL.

Hi again to all my HALINATORS! today in this blog I will be talking about food. I have a complicated relationship with food.

Food facinates me. The way a culture eats can tell you a lot about its practices and values. America values freedom, eat as much as you want hoe you want. overindulgence. but is there so much wrong with that???? I am a vegetarian for moral reasons and just because i do not like the texture of most meats. But I do respect those who eat meat. Meat is full of protein and is easy to get nutrients from, also easily accessible in the american diet. I believe it would be pretencious to criticize people for eating meat. Obviously I am against the meat industry fully, too much waste and pollution. But meat is in almost every diet. It is not something that is evil. My thought is..... if you would eat a cow why would you not eat a dog? Why would you not eat a cat? Why would you not eat a HUMAN? I find it hypocritical that we hold different animals to different standards. People eat octopuses, they are extremley intellegent creatures. More intellegent than a dog. And yet people eat them without thinking about how "evil" it is. I would eat a dog. If I was open to eating meat, that is. But I am not. I am too sensitive to animals. Today I almost cried from stepping on a worm, there is my problem. But there are others who are not too sensitive for that. I envy them. I feel that farmers who raise their own meat and then eat it are some of the most compassionate people in the world. My mom says that she would be less likley to eat meat if she raised it herself, but in truth, I would be even more willing. Eating something is a form of respect. You usually do not eat anything you do not want to eat. Of course unless you are forced to. But you respect the food. You take the time to chew, your mouth savors it wether you want to or not with tastebuds. Your cells take in the nutrients and process them to power your body. And then it processes through your stomach. Wonderful.

I have made a list of foods I want to try on my journey to do so:
Nanaimo bar, Ful medames, Gratin dauphinois, Bratkartoffeln, Auszogne, Aranygaluska, Vada Pav, Gado-gado, Zapiekanka, Oladyi, Stinky Tofu, Rösti, Wähe, PHILLY TACO, Aloo pie, Brigadeiro, Bun kebab, Carrozza sandwich, Fried pie, Homity pie, Lamington, Lavash, Louise cake, Malassada, Pampushka, Pirozhki, Rustico, Southern tomato pie, Zucchini slice, Cherpumple, Derby pie, Mississippi Mud Pie, Meskouta, Beaver tail, Mother-in-law sandwich, tandoor bread, Nik Naks, Fricasse, Jibarito, Uttapam, Pinaypay, Shing-a-ling, Coddies, Cheez Doodles, Fairy Bread, Chiko Roll, Paddu, Panyalam, Gatsby, Bunny chow, Puchka, Pakoda, smažený sýr, Rumbledethumps, Clootie dumpling, Chaat, Chhena jalebi, Aloo tikki, Sultsina, Lángos, obwarzanki krakowskie, Sopaipillas, Karantika, Apam balik, Zeppole, Fried Coke, Tempeh burger, Tornado potato, UFO burger, Acarajé, Cornulețe, Ábrystir, Spinach pie, Sarajevski somun, Àkàrà, Akassa, Fatteh, Khichdi, Kadhi, Umbadiyu, Undhiyu, Pakora, Vegetable handva, Fafda Jalebi, Khaman, Jambon, Kasknopfl, Nasi minyak, Pom-Bear chips

long list. will get even longer.
next thing about food..... food photos. I love them. they worship food. my favorite kind are the ones are are down and dirty. desperate photos with low quality.
observe.


OK THE ENF.
-HAL.

oh god hi. yep yep yep it is me hal i am back i have finally returned to you,. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgod i feel like shit. i think i have bpd. i hknow i am only 15 an d maybe you think i am being stipid and self diagnosin gor whatever but. i really do not care about a diagnosis i just wnat to feel ok. because i do not. at all. so if this could jjst be a temporary thing and not a mental disorder i would really lobve that because i feel so so so so terrible. i am writing this at 3 am, i woke up and i cannot go to sleep. i have decided to ignore everybody for as long as possible because i do not want to be annoying. and that hurts, so much. being alone hurts me so much. my worst fear. whatever,. i just want all these feelinsg to go away i really do please please please. there is a guy i am kind of. urgh, obessed with right now. i hate it. i love him. but i hate how i feel. we are not romantically imvolved. but. i just care so much about him. i worry how long it will take for him to hate me. if he knew how crazy my feelings were he would hate me. i believe thatis true. i would hate me too. i feel so jealous which is so so stupid. i feel jealous of his other friends especially one person which is stupid so stupid, because they are a pretty cool person. but. just so jealous. this is tearing me up from the inside. i am in a PHP because i overdosed. idk why. i felt terrible. i think it was an episode. idk. i think this entire situation is. i just want to be. ok. but i never have been. please help me i just wish it had worked. i jusyt want to fix myself and feel better. but that never happens. it just sits with me until someone comfotrs me. and then returns right after. i just feel like i live off of other people and their attention. i want to be a good preson, i want people to like me, i would do anything for that. i am unsure if i can keep living. obviously i already tried to kill myself and it did not work but i could really do it. i was not made for this world. it hurts so much. my feelings hurt so much. i cannot control my mood i just feel so so terrible. i want help i want to be fixed i just want to be normal please please please. i cannot take this . i deserve to be hated but the only people who see m to realize that are not the people wholike me in the first place. i do not deserve my friends or anyone but i have them. i hate myself. i feel so selfish. i am tired of being a burden. he loves me. he tells me he does. i love him too. he is the nicest person i have ever met. he treats me so well. i do not deserve him at all. but i really need him. i am selfish. i feel like a terrible person. this whole blog post could just be me saying how everyone should hate me over and over again because i feel it so deeply. idk wwhat is wrong with me.

um anywyas if you have bpd and any advice could you please message me. my discord is @sambot2000xp
so talk to me pleas e please please . i would really appreciate it i really do not understand my life.
sorry
-HAL